On 1/29/2014 8:38 AM, Puey McCleary wrote:
> I like your translation so far.  It seems very singable.  I wouldn't worry
> too much about not being able to use the word "juudzazgakiŋ," "fractal."  I
> included the Mandarin translation as well as the Latin to shew how
> divergent a translation can be.  The phrase "frozen fractals" in the
> English lyrics might have been chosen because of their sound quality -- I
> don't remember actually seeing fractals in the video clip.  Whatever sounds
> best in Tirelat and conforms to its poetick principles is best.
> Speaking of frozen fractals, I'm a bit snowed in at the moment ...

I think I've got a way to work "juudzazgakiŋ" into the translation.

19. My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around.
saj zošun juudzazgakiŋ vaz maj žnawku vë sarga,
frozen fractals making spirals all around, (in the surrounding area)

Rhyming "sarga" with "kala" in the previous line is a bit iffy, though. 
Ah, how about "ro vala", toward the heavens? Not bad.

Lĕpošta nošin rizi makhu ro kala,
My power drifting through air to ground,

saj zošun juudzazgakiŋ vaz maj žnawku ro vala,
frozen fractals making spirals toward the heavens,

Or "ki vala" if I don't want that repeated "ro". And I'm going to have 
to get around to a main verb sooner or later! Well, I'm just testing the 
limits, to see what I can do.